That whining title is not a recent quote from my children but rather from their mother.
I don't wanna.
For reasons I am still trying to analyze (of course), I am in a season where I have to do a lot of things that I don't want to do. I start a week and see things in my planner that I am dreading instead of the promise of a fresh start like my planner used to deliver.
Some of these come from just having to face my fears and push through my dislikes. I don't love driving in traffic or navigating new roads/bridges/street parking at night, but right now, that is a regular activity. I'm not a huge fan of keeping a passel of kids occupied in a waiting area while a son has a lesson of some sort (typically being the only person with an energetic passel in that situation), but that too is a multiple-times-a-week experience. I have a million life-giving things I would rather do than meal-planning and shopping, but this crew needs to eat. And the list goes on.
Other things come from this present stage in the ministry life, as we are solidly in the middle of the sweaty work of preparing soil for future health and growth. Sometimes, I just want to sit down in the shade of things not-yet-planted, with a refreshing drink and a wheelbarrow of testimony. And when I say sometimes, I mean *often*. But right now, it is back to the shovel.
I think that this I-don't-wanna mental obstacle should not be a surprise to me; being led to choose zeal as my word of the year should have indicated that the battle would be much about energy and enthusiasm for right where I am. After all, having zeal is easy and self-powered if life is full of things that line up with passion and ability, but finding zeal when days are filled with tedious obedience and mundane requirements has to be God-powered.
At year's turn as I brainstormed what growing in zeal would entail, a phrase that kept coming to mind was testimony and promise. For testimony, one of the best ways I am finding is to block off a few hours of Julian's preschool time to visit with someone whose words and life shine the abundant life of Jesus. Last week, I visited one of my favorite octogenarians to hear more of her story and see how, despite being relatively home-bound, she continues to make a large-scale difference in the lives of many. I have a high school friend to meet up with next week, a friend who is family the week after. Seeing the faith of others proving the goodness of God while simultaneously being vulnerable about struggle and disappointment has bolstered my own faith during this season that feels like a lot of rocks in the soil and groundhog-day like activity.
These beautiful pictured mugs are part of another good strategy for me, because they speak to promise. Mark and I were given these mugs by a couple whom we often say we want to be when we grow up; they gift these mugs to individuals they are committing to pray for and then use their own similar mugs as promptings to pray. As silly as it might seem, on days that feel extra heavy, I will make a cup of tea in that mug just to hold on to the promise that we are not alone.
Other things come from this present stage in the ministry life, as we are solidly in the middle of the sweaty work of preparing soil for future health and growth. Sometimes, I just want to sit down in the shade of things not-yet-planted, with a refreshing drink and a wheelbarrow of testimony. And when I say sometimes, I mean *often*. But right now, it is back to the shovel.
I think that this I-don't-wanna mental obstacle should not be a surprise to me; being led to choose zeal as my word of the year should have indicated that the battle would be much about energy and enthusiasm for right where I am. After all, having zeal is easy and self-powered if life is full of things that line up with passion and ability, but finding zeal when days are filled with tedious obedience and mundane requirements has to be God-powered.
: : : : :
These beautiful pictured mugs are part of another good strategy for me, because they speak to promise. Mark and I were given these mugs by a couple whom we often say we want to be when we grow up; they gift these mugs to individuals they are committing to pray for and then use their own similar mugs as promptings to pray. As silly as it might seem, on days that feel extra heavy, I will make a cup of tea in that mug just to hold on to the promise that we are not alone.
"Wherever you are, be all there." Jim Elliot
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